Where a minute ago I was just happy with the pictures I’m working on I now feel a deep sadness.
I wasn’t always the person I am now…
I quickly try to find the picture linked to my memories to pinpoint where my memories took me. March of 2012. The picture says: “I met a man”.
I remember the day when I met this man along the Canal Saint Martin. I was on one of my walks. On the bank stood a bright red deck chair. I was dreaming about sitting there in peace. My life was anything but peaceful at the time. I took a picture of the chair and while I was doing so a man spoke to me.
“You aren’t taking a picture of me, are you? An ugly old man like me, crippled and almost blind.”
We continued our walk together. We both could use a bit of company and a bit of sympathy.
After that day we would occasionally meet up for a drink. We would talk about our lives. I felt that this friendship was without risk, but I was wrong.
During one of our talks he told me he had told his friends about me. This beautiful young woman that had an interest in him. I felt defeated. Where for me I had just found a great man to talk to. A man that gave me valuable advice for my messy life, he found a woman he fell in love with and imagined it being mutual.
I wanted to explain to him that it wasn’t the same for me, but I feared his response. He finally had hope for a beautiful future again. I couldn’t imagine how he could even imagine that after all the things I had told him, but he did. I was afraid to crush his hope. What would he do?
That’s when I lamely started ignoring his calls and his text messages until one day I just disappeared from his life all together.
A couple of months ago I’ve started going back to the canal to see if I can find him. I will continue to do so from time to time. I want to tell this man I am sorry…
I’m sorry I wasn’t always the person I am now…